Tuesday, January 13, 2009

UNDERSTANDING

Good morning,
I have not written since 9-3-08. It is now, 2009! This is my year of understanding. What do I mean? If course, I JUST DO NOT KNOW.
What I am aware of is, that I grow tired of not knowing. Not knowing who I am, not knowing who God is, not knowing how to BE ONE of Gods' people. I questioned whether I had been enjoying the process of discovery and believe that this had its own reward. Little insights - one at a time - felt wonderful. But now, I grow weary of what I have turned into a struggle. I am thankful to the economic downturn as it has helped me to see that I choose - just choose. What do I choose? I choose to KNOW. I choose to understand. It frightens me, in some respects, but excites too. My most recent understanding is that I - and ALL - live in heaven. I understand that earth, bodies, trees, dust, water, everything, exists IN Heaven. As I close my eyes to meditate, I realize that what I "see" inside is Heaven. That to return to Heaven, I need only close my body eyes. I have not yet made contact or understanding with Heaven but I believe that I will. It will be this contact and understanding that will change everything I think I know. I will understand that this ( earth ) is all just a projected dream - that all I see with body eyes, is thought, my thought. "The proof is in the pudding" ( whatever that means) and so I will pursue this adventure. If this being a projected dream is true, then contacting who I really am, must be possible. I have tried all other possible explanations and cannot subscribe to any of them. Nothing here makes any sense ( fear, lack, etc.) so I am about to look into what does not make sense to me. Admittedly, I make every possible distraction I can think of to postpone this exploration but, we all grow weary of our own game, ultimately. Self sabotage runs rampant here. No sooner than I screw up my courage to explore, I throw a roadblock in my path. I am going to ask for help with this.
So, now I am off to tackle some of those roadblocks and to challenge myself to begin this exciting journey. Much PEACE to the world

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Growing Optimism

Good morning,
I have not written since 7-7-08. During this time, much has occurred but nothing has happened. I have had many good to great experiences, all in the same frame work of a static life. I continue to look for a change but do not yet see this change. Strangely, and I say strangely because this has never happened before, I feel a sense of optimism. For a long period, I have known that I wanted freedom and choice. I stifled those desires due to lack of money to facilitate my freedom and choice. Instead, I tried to talk myself into wanting a paying job; any job that paid enough. As I pursued this path, I began to realize that I was not willing to "do" just anything and I became marginally selective in my pursuit. What I have experienced is a TOTAL lack of interest in me as an employee. Now, I do understand that this is due, in part, to my middle age, but with experience under my belt, the total lack of response is interesting. Also, I know that I would be an asset in many situations applied for but none of these opportunities truly interest me. Bottom line - I am not calling them forth into my experience.

So, I am mystified by my own optimism. Am I beginning to "let go" and allow the Universal Good to work in my life? I PRAY SO !!!!! I believe that the Universal God stands ready and eager to bring forth wonderful experience for each of us. I believe that what interferes is our own fear that this is not THE TRUTH. Because the fear interferes, we do not experience only desire which then strengthens the fear interference. A vicious cycle ensues. Extreme Trust is the only needed ingredient to break the vicious cycle. I am convinced that once broken and the gift of desire is experienced personally, all of life will be as God intended. This is the foundation of my optimism!!~

I am more motivated than ever to "let go". I am loosing my attachment to ego and believing more in the unseen. I pray that the vastness of the unseen is far more powerful that my minuscule ego, to which I have given incredible power. I ask! Thank you.

Peace to the world

Monday, July 7, 2008

GETTING MY HOUSE IN ORDER

Goodmorning,
The mold mitigation is complete and this morning, I am putting my house back in order. Yes, this is a physical reorder of my physical house but is it also a spiritual reorder? I am aware that I have collected junk, in this house, and this has been a wonderful opportunity to "clean house". During this process, I have thought often that I am opening the way for a new spiritual - life - experience. Yes, out with the old ... but what the new is to be, I am unsure. I have believed that I had "to know" in order to attract. That is what I have heard and studied. The fact that I do not know keeps me frustrated. I am now opening myself to allowing the Universe to show me what will be. It is OK either way but I just want to know which is the case. I am becoming, somewhat, OK with uncertainty and feel I could truly embrace this if I thought it was productive. By productive I mean fulfilling or intriguing. I am not clear what I mean, actually. I seem to be OK with whatever comes - whatever direction life presents. I have held that belief that I had to have clarity in order to attract. I am still not sure if I hold that belief.
For now, I am in a good spot and grateful that my "house is in order".
Peace to the world

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

ANOTHER DETOUR

Goodmorning,
In the last post, I wrote about a new job. Indeed, I did go to this job for three (3) days. Two (2) situations seemed in place. First, I was becoming ill with allergies and respiratory infection and the job itself was unsatisfying. The respiratory issue was due to mold growing in our kitchen. Recently, we had a pipe leak under our kitchen floor. This was repaired and we thought no more about this. As I grew more and more reactive to allergy, I began to suspect mold, my most sensitive allergy. Indeed, this morning, a crew has uncovered this mold and mitigation will begin.
The job fell directly in the middle of this mold reaction and, at the time, I believed myself to fragile to go back to work. I discontinued my employment based upon two factors. One, the thought that I was ill and secondly that this job would be unsatisfying regardless. What I believed to be a challenging pursuit of funding, on behalf of cancer patients, turned out to be no more than order taking. The position required me to be tethered to a telephone and breaks and lunch were " on the clock" to the minute. I am just to old and have to much experience to enjoy this rigid experience.
So, I am now in the process of mold mitigation and back to the drawing board as it relates to employment. I am relieved to believe that I am NOT to fragile, physically, to work and will continue to look for something that is satisfying.
Tolle encourages all to be OK with uncertainty. To understand that life is a journey and not a predictable trip. Conceptually I understand and agree. Experiencially, I have yet to make that connection. I challenge myself to be OK with whatever comes up but what feels lacking in that is desire. I will ponder this aspect. For today, I am OK, even good. Today is all we have.
Peace to the world

Monday, May 12, 2008

LIFE TAKES A DETOUR

Goodmorning,
It is another "beginning" for my journey. Having found an ad in the 5-4-08 newspaper for a job fair, being held by one company, I attended. Within 45 minutes, a job offer was presented. Now for months, I had sent out resumes with no response and within 45 minutes an offer was extended. I will be working in the healthcare field securing funding for RX for patients. This is a good fit for me.
I have mixed emotions about this detour. I worry that I will not be up to the task physically but I feel good. On the other side, I am bored and will enjoy the stimulation. I have committed myself to a positive attitude and will also monitor myself for signs of over work and resulting fatigue. There is anxiety present - but not necessarily 'bad' anxiety. It is difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and 'bad' anxiety - perhaps there is both.
I am not sure what this leg of my journey is for. The financial rewards will be nice but there is more to this for me. I will be working for the first time, with no other responsibilities ( ie Children). I do not have to give up much, at all, to move into this, so it will be a new experience. Lunch with friends will be limited, but that is OK. Naps, in the afternoon, might become an issue that I will have to consider. Perhaps I napped in boredom - perhaps in physical need. We will see.
I shall look at this as a new and wonderful adventure. I will meet new people and learn more of what makes us tick.
Peace to the world

Friday, May 2, 2008

UNDERSTANDING

Good morning,
Today, I AM understanding in some etheral way. Strange, I do not even really understand what I AM understanding. I seem to have thoughts that feel vague - just barely out of my mental reach. Perhaps, i am trying to understand when it is experience that calls to me. I AM allowing this process - whatever it is.
PEACE to the world

Monday, April 21, 2008

TO LATE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

Good morning God,
My thoughts over take me - ego. What I think actually causes what i experience. How very strange that we have forgotten this most central tool. In our sleep, we believe ourselves to be completely separate from the force that moves mountains; believing instead that an outside force makes the decisions of the world - to which, we can only respond!
So, what if we DO actually create our experiences first and then respond to them. Let me break this down. First, i project experience into the world for me TO experience. Then, i experience same. When i experience that which i have projected, i believe the experience to have been generated by some other. How is this even possible? How can i forget the projecting aspect of experience? As i experience moment by moment, how am i able to convince myself that i have no ownership in the creation/projection? What comes to mind immediately is that i often do not like or agree with what is before me. Actually, i never even stop to think if this is what I would choose in this moment because i do not understand my contribution. As i sleep, i do not believe that my evaluation would cause anything to be different - that experiences are just happening and my only power is how to respond to them. What feels strange about this is that i am awakening to the possibility that no ONE else causes my experiences but i seem stuck with old thoughts. Almost like I cannot break through the veil of sleep. I observe myself ( thoughts ) all over the place - this one contradicting that one. For example, i have wanted to win a lottery BUT i have not wanted to be known to have won. i have really wanted something else than a win but do not know what that is. The only way i can describe this is that i desire choice. Having equated choice with money, i think i want money. i am completely sure that money by itself is not the desire. The desire is the freedom that i believe money IS.
In my limited awareness, i have not challenged my mind. i have not thought "outside the box". How can i have enough food, without working? How can i buy spring flowers, without money? How do i fuel the car, without money? You see, i have fallen victim to myself. i have believed what i have projected - so much so that i am lost. i no longer enjoy ego revenge and ravage nor do i enjoy or feel protected by hiding. I am what I AM. I no longer seek to be hidden among those who would destroy me as i project them as the cause for my insanity. Jesus teaches in ACIM that we see one another as the cause of who we are. Surely, i have blamed as many people as i can for who i have become. And who is that? That is one who is angry at the world at large and feels that "it" ( world) has done me wrong. Hidding under that is the ego anger that god made a fool of us all. I cannot believe this any longer. I know to much now to go back to sleep. THANK GOD. If life had been as i thought - well i do not want to go there.
I know that I can remember. What will that be? What will truth look like? What does LOVE feel like? I TRUST that Christ is in me. I TRUST that Jesus teaches us all. What shall happen NOW? I just do not know