AWAKEN WITHOUT DISAPPOINTMENT

Good morning,
It seems my last entry was 4-2-08. What have my days been like until this day 4-15-08? I just do not know. Some upset but not terrible; although today, the plumber is coming to rip up my kitchen floor, to access a leak!!! I seem OK with this just being "what it is". I finally realize that worry or fret will not, by itself, repair the leak. Some believe that upset, followed by a desired result, does INDEED contribute to success. What about an undesirable outcome? Perhaps, they are inclined to believe they did not worry ENOUGH. Either way, I do not choose to believe that worry and upset contribute in any way.
I am choosing to hold in consciousness that I AM the dreamer ( the chess player ) moving the body (pieces) around. What does that really mean to me? Sally Anne and I talked yesterday and I seem to be able to access that thought, soooooooo why can I not believe it? Do I believe this? It seems I AM just becoming this thought. Previously, like all egos, I believed that a separate God was the "MOVER" of all things ( forms). Is is TRUE that each of us is REALLY the chooser - mover - decider of what takes place in our perceived environment? There is so much evidence to this TRUTH. For almost 20 years, I have heard this over and over. Why then, do I not believe this or know it to be TRUE? Because, it is suggested, I believe the outer experience as truth. And, having held the thought that a separate god is the chooser, that is what I experience. But the outer experience SEEMS LIKE IT COMES AGAINST MY WILL. I say " I would have it different - I would choose a different outcome", so, it must be ANOTHER that decides. In FACT, we are the dreamers of our experience!!! But, because we do not remember this, we dream ( and therefore experience) that our dreams are powerLESS. This keeps us in the cycle of experiencing that which we believe has been decided by ANOTHER.
Tolle is helping US SEE that we are the body and the consciousness that moves the body. Until we remember this, we believe ourself to be only the body. We believe that the circumstances of the body life are decided upon by this ANOTHER and that the ONLY power we have is to use the body to react. My introduction to this TRUTH was, of course, A Course in Miracles, which teaches that the ego is a dreamed form and that MY TRUE identy is not the form but the dreamer. I have become lost in the dream and have lost my way. I believe that I am separate from the dreamer, which I have made into this ANOTHER - or God. Yes, there is ONE who makes the situations to which I must react, but i am certainly not that ONE. So, this ANOTHER, must be a separate entity who has a different idea of what makes me happy. Religion tells us that this ANOTHER judges us based upon our reaction and even tells us what are the 'right' or correct reaction to have. You must suffer to tell the ANOTHER you are remorseful - for what? - being born into sin?. You are to give all your 'stuff' away - not under the TRUTH that you have all and are bound to feel JOYFUL when you give, but under the guise that if you give away that which you need and want, somehow you will be perceived by the ANOTHER as worthy to be in heaven. Something about all this sacrifice and lack gets you a closer seat in heaven. Each religion tells you " the way" to get "it" right.
Fortunately, i have not had a close association to religion. I have really not had much conscious thought about what ' I ' believe is the "right way" to react. My reactions have been based upon my immediate circumstances - people. In fact, i have spent my NOW trying to figure out how to outsmart my immediate circumstances and people. What am i saying? My ego has tried to outfox your ego - or to present with such a picture that will please your ego. I have wanted love but have not projected being loved. I have projected circumstances that require me to beg, manipulate and lie, for love. What does this tell me? I have not believed that i am lovable - what is to love, i ask myself? Nothing, so i will make up something - someone that can be loved. What do you love? I will be that !!! I do not give love, i steal love from 'you'. Why?, because I am not loveable, AS IS, so i must fool you into loving me. I have been so mistaken. So very, very mistaken.
Something inside me knows that my ego way is not TRUTH. Gratefully, i see the folly of ego. Gratefully, i see the strangness in the belief that God ( ANOTHER ) would create and then wonder which of those created will follow the rules. Does HE not know which are created which way? Is there some unknown variable of creation, even to GOD. Does the Creator of creation have a challenge? Did HE put this challenge into the equation for fun? Would HE play with this challenge at our expense? Is LOVE really LOVE or is God all about just himself and to hell with the ones with whom HE plays? Does HE just want to end up with the "yes" men? If that were HIS objective then why not create ALL that way in the beginning? Or, if you believe HE just enjoys the game of watching, then fear is appropriate!!!!!!!
Ego, I know that these questions feel very threatening. If I do not continue to believe in you then your existence is not. But that is OK - do not be afraid. I will take along with ME the every part of you. I will take your fear, your heartache, your lack, your confusion, your mistakes, your revenge, your rage and your love and give you TRUST, EVERYTHING, CLARITY, FORGIVENESS, COMFORT, PEACE, and LOVE! So, little ego, you may have - really HAVE all that you have wanted and NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING CAUGHT!!! I AM part of THE SELF. I may awaken to TRUTH and not be disappointed. I may know who I AM.
Peace and Trust, Lynn