Conversation with GOD- accepting unwanted contrast

Good Morning,
Today is the first day of Spring here on earth ( 2008 ). First, I would like to tell you that I do KNOW one thing; that I do not like to be pressured to arrive anywhere, day after day, at a designated time. I have been "practicing" to go back to work by requiring myself to dress and be at this computer by 8:00a.m.est. And, I actually like being ready for my day at this time, I just do not choose to go to a workplace and perform meaningless activity. Yes, perhaps if I understand what 'job' brings me JOY, I would be more motivated. But that has not YET presented itself.

My question today is: in order to participate in physical must we just accept the unwanted contrasts?

I do understand that weekends probably hold more excitement when we work daily - the reprieve we feel is good. But if more of my time is spent NOT enJOYing my life, then is the trade off worth it? Each must decide this for Self. My spouse truly is enhanced by his work - never minding the travel to his work at a very early hour. I am, indeed, happy for him, as this was not always the case. For me, God, I do not feel enhanced by doing repetitive work, even if society tells me that it is important work. There must be a place for everyone to experience their JOY - I choose to find mine. Admittedly, I have put this all on my own ego shoulders - it just seems that we cannot, should not, ask YOU for help in this mundane area. Like many, I have prayed for a windfall - lottery mostly - to free me, but that has not happened for me. My ego continues to tell me that YOU will not be involved in such things. That YOU gave us certain abilities and that we are to use them - not whine to YOU for help.

Yesterday, I visited several other blog sites and read that one person had decided to make each action for its own sake. A curious concept, to me, as I have mostly engaged in all my actions to get to the next and the next and the next, etc. Or I have engaged in action soley to produce a result ( money ) and not for the action itself. Perhaps, this is why I have not enJOYed my actions. Curious!?! One would think that I could enJOY the action because it produced a desired result, but this has not been the case for me.

I just had a wonderful conversation with my Daughter ( also God). We talked about ego life as being like a Soap Opera and that we each play a role. I completely grasp this concept but have been asleep to the possibility that I AM writing the lines to be said. WOW A Course in Miracles teaches that "we are never upset for the reason we think". Of course this is true, because I have thought some other wrote my script and I did not like it. Abraham is baffled by our unconsciousness. In the Abraham-Hicks series, Abraham states " there is no need to try, just do it". Abraham is completely awake and KNOWS that we write our own scripts - why not write it the way you want it to be - not write a script based upon unconsciousness and then fight against. WHAT WE RESIST PERSISTS. That surely is because we continue to write our script with the thoughts of that being resisted!!! AH-HA as Oprah exclaims !!!

What script have I been writing with my unconscious ego thoughts? First, I must state that I DID believe that THE I AM wrote my script - everyones script- but I had not awakened to the possibility that each of us is AN I AM writing our own adventure. This seems a most important distinction for me !!!! I choose to really understand and internalize this distinction. How can each of us BE AN I AM? The teaching of the ego world is to separate God into ONE entity and further separate that entity into only one entity. There is only one entity that has the power and that is God. Sure, it appears that God gave Jesus, and others, some special authority but those were special cases. Why Jesus? We are not really sure. Many religions attempt to explain the unexplainable reason for this - keeping us more confused about God. What is His criteria for giving? We all keep asking - seemingly not receiving - and continue to seek for the exact combination that will please Him and He will give to us. If I can just 'do it right', I will be given happiness by God. Why? because He will be pleased with me and want to give me what I want. What an ego we assign to God!!!! Again, A Course in Miracles addresses this very concept. The Course teaches that God DOES NOT have an ego to be pleased. That ego assignment to God, is a trick of the sleeping mind. That as we sleep, and believe we are these bodies, with these ego thoughts, we are not able to remember that each of us is AN I AM, a portion of that consciousness to whom we pray for gifts. We say, if I could I would have already - so it must be that another holds the power. But, what if we should AND COULD pray to ourselves? Ego tells us that this would be false pride, arrogant and that we would destroy each other. If we could instantly manifest, we would kill thoses at whom we are angry or steal from thoses who have what we want. That is the reason that the power remains with God. We would just not use it right. But don't we do that now? We kill and steal. Why, because we feel powerless. Wouldn't we be less likely to kill and steal if we knew that everyone could make their own experience? What if another doesn't want to do what my script dictates for them? What if their script does not include me and I want to be included? Abraham explains that we will just naturally attract thoses that think as we do. So, if our desire IS to attract thoses who do not think as we do, we would attract thoses who also choose to interact with ones who do not choose to think like them. It is the perfection of God's Universe - OUR Universe!!! Could it really have been set up any better?

What am I keeping my thoughts upon? It is with these thoughts that I write the script for my role. These thoughts decide what I will experience " on stage ". i keep 'thinking' that i must get a job. As a result, i keep trying to find that job that i must get. i keep thinking that i do not have enough. As a result, i keep not having enough. Put like that, in context with the above, it makes perfect sense!! I get what i am thinking about whether i want it or not. i have just been dead asleep to the Truth that my thoughts cause my life. So how do I change my thoughts and have new, more desired, experiences? For me, the first step is to define what is desired. I cannot hold my thoughts upon that which has not been defined, now can I? Seems I have gone about this by process of elimination. I work to decipher what I don't want. Seems a long road to abundance. For years, I have tried every way i can think about to 'win the lottery'. I really do not even want a big lottery -I do not buy tickets for large prizes. What I have identified is a desire to be the chooser in my life. Yes, that is it. But I always keep writing a small blockade into my script. Something small that just keeps the role of chooser a few feet away. I observe my thoughts giving my spouse a lot of power over my choices. What if? What if 'he - spouse' does not think i am doing my part? What is my part? Why is what I want not enough - there is that word 'enough' again. Do i not think i am enough - just my being. Am i not kind enough, caring enough, etc.? Yes, i do feel that I am kind and caring - and I like to care and be kind. I get no JOY in harming another in any way. So, what is not enough? Perhaps, 'he' is not enough, too, and i must make up for what i perceive he lacks. Wouldn't "not enough" attract "not enough" and , by the way, also produce children who also suffer from being "not enough". Do i really feel i am not enough and attract this into my life? Yes, this may be VERY true. And further, i see that i may have taken on the responsibility of compensating for the lack i perceive in others. I observe that i seem to over inflate my abilities for ego preservation. That i have engaged in a self destructive pattern of presenting myself a being far more capable than i believe i am. If i can convince others that i am smart then, at least, they will think i am enough. And the burden that i place upon myself in this endeavor, leads me into a place of stress and ego pride - false pride for sure. That is how i have continued to sabatoge my own awakening!! I continue to hide, from myself, my own sense of not being enough. If i were to look at that then, seemingly, my entire life would fall apart. So, i keep it hidden from thought and, not knowing what is hidden, continue to replicate my thoughts and behaviors. I keep thinking the same things over and over, getting the same results - GO FIGURE! A few years ago, i had a life threatening illness. Strangely, during that time, I felt at peace. That may be due to my not having any expectations placed upon me; either by others or by self. I felt free, in a way, for the first time in my life. And now I realize that I work so hard to demonstrate my competency only to understand that this false competency keep me in prison. Now what?

As I close today, God, I thank GRACE for these insights. I choose to look at my hidden false perceptions and bring them into the light. I choose to KNOW that ALL are God, that ALL are perfect regardless of the role they write. This perfection includes ME. I do not want my false pride as it no longer serves me. I thank ego for showing me this, as perhaps I would always have wondered if 'being better than another' might serve me. I do know that superiority or inferiority are not what I want. I want an experience of JOY that includes other perfect I AMs. If I see lack in another, it is because i still perceive lack in me. My ego history tells me that when i experience lack, i will ramp up in the performance department. I look at this with the Holy Spirit, IN ME, and ask that this perception of lack be bathed in the light of Truth.
Much love to the world, Lynn