UNDERSTANDING

Good morning,
I have not written since 9-3-08. It is now, 2009! This is my year of understanding. What do I mean? If course, I JUST DO NOT KNOW.
What I am aware of is, that I grow tired of not knowing. Not knowing who I am, not knowing who God is, not knowing how to BE ONE of Gods' people. I questioned whether I had been enjoying the process of discovery and believe that this had its own reward. Little insights - one at a time - felt wonderful. But now, I grow weary of what I have turned into a struggle. I am thankful to the economic downturn as it has helped me to see that I choose - just choose. What do I choose? I choose to KNOW. I choose to understand. It frightens me, in some respects, but excites too. My most recent understanding is that I - and ALL - live in heaven. I understand that earth, bodies, trees, dust, water, everything, exists IN Heaven. As I close my eyes to meditate, I realize that what I "see" inside is Heaven. That to return to Heaven, I need only close my body eyes. I have not yet made contact or understanding with Heaven but I believe that I will. It will be this contact and understanding that will change everything I think I know. I will understand that this ( earth ) is all just a projected dream - that all I see with body eyes, is thought, my thought. "The proof is in the pudding" ( whatever that means) and so I will pursue this adventure. If this being a projected dream is true, then contacting who I really am, must be possible. I have tried all other possible explanations and cannot subscribe to any of them. Nothing here makes any sense ( fear, lack, etc.) so I am about to look into what does not make sense to me. Admittedly, I make every possible distraction I can think of to postpone this exploration but, we all grow weary of our own game, ultimately. Self sabotage runs rampant here. No sooner than I screw up my courage to explore, I throw a roadblock in my path. I am going to ask for help with this.
So, now I am off to tackle some of those roadblocks and to challenge myself to begin this exciting journey. Much PEACE to the world