TO LATE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP

Good morning God,
My thoughts over take me - ego. What I think actually causes what i experience. How very strange that we have forgotten this most central tool. In our sleep, we believe ourselves to be completely separate from the force that moves mountains; believing instead that an outside force makes the decisions of the world - to which, we can only respond!
So, what if we DO actually create our experiences first and then respond to them. Let me break this down. First, i project experience into the world for me TO experience. Then, i experience same. When i experience that which i have projected, i believe the experience to have been generated by some other. How is this even possible? How can i forget the projecting aspect of experience? As i experience moment by moment, how am i able to convince myself that i have no ownership in the creation/projection? What comes to mind immediately is that i often do not like or agree with what is before me. Actually, i never even stop to think if this is what I would choose in this moment because i do not understand my contribution. As i sleep, i do not believe that my evaluation would cause anything to be different - that experiences are just happening and my only power is how to respond to them. What feels strange about this is that i am awakening to the possibility that no ONE else causes my experiences but i seem stuck with old thoughts. Almost like I cannot break through the veil of sleep. I observe myself ( thoughts ) all over the place - this one contradicting that one. For example, i have wanted to win a lottery BUT i have not wanted to be known to have won. i have really wanted something else than a win but do not know what that is. The only way i can describe this is that i desire choice. Having equated choice with money, i think i want money. i am completely sure that money by itself is not the desire. The desire is the freedom that i believe money IS.
In my limited awareness, i have not challenged my mind. i have not thought "outside the box". How can i have enough food, without working? How can i buy spring flowers, without money? How do i fuel the car, without money? You see, i have fallen victim to myself. i have believed what i have projected - so much so that i am lost. i no longer enjoy ego revenge and ravage nor do i enjoy or feel protected by hiding. I am what I AM. I no longer seek to be hidden among those who would destroy me as i project them as the cause for my insanity. Jesus teaches in ACIM that we see one another as the cause of who we are. Surely, i have blamed as many people as i can for who i have become. And who is that? That is one who is angry at the world at large and feels that "it" ( world) has done me wrong. Hidding under that is the ego anger that god made a fool of us all. I cannot believe this any longer. I know to much now to go back to sleep. THANK GOD. If life had been as i thought - well i do not want to go there.
I know that I can remember. What will that be? What will truth look like? What does LOVE feel like? I TRUST that Christ is in me. I TRUST that Jesus teaches us all. What shall happen NOW? I just do not know