Good morning,
I have not written since 9-3-08. It is now, 2009! This is my year of understanding. What do I mean? If course, I JUST DO NOT KNOW.
What I am aware of is, that I grow tired of not knowing. Not knowing who I am, not knowing who God is, not knowing how to BE ONE of Gods' people. I questioned whether I had been enjoying the process of discovery and believe that this had its own reward. Little insights - one at a time - felt wonderful. But now, I grow weary of what I have turned into a struggle. I am thankful to the economic downturn as it has helped me to see that I choose - just choose. What do I choose? I choose to KNOW. I choose to understand. It frightens me, in some respects, but excites too. My most recent understanding is that I - and ALL - live in heaven. I understand that earth, bodies, trees, dust, water, everything, exists IN Heaven. As I close my eyes to meditate, I realize that what I "see" inside is Heaven. That to return to Heaven, I need only close my body eyes. I have not yet made contact or understanding with Heaven but I believe that I will. It will be this contact and understanding that will change everything I think I know. I will understand that this ( earth ) is all just a projected dream - that all I see with body eyes, is thought, my thought. "The proof is in the pudding" ( whatever that means) and so I will pursue this adventure. If this being a projected dream is true, then contacting who I really am, must be possible. I have tried all other possible explanations and cannot subscribe to any of them. Nothing here makes any sense ( fear, lack, etc.) so I am about to look into what does not make sense to me. Admittedly, I make every possible distraction I can think of to postpone this exploration but, we all grow weary of our own game, ultimately. Self sabotage runs rampant here. No sooner than I screw up my courage to explore, I throw a roadblock in my path. I am going to ask for help with this.
So, now I am off to tackle some of those roadblocks and to challenge myself to begin this exciting journey. Much PEACE to the world
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Growing Optimism
Good morning,
I have not written since 7-7-08. During this time, much has occurred but nothing has happened. I have had many good to great experiences, all in the same frame work of a static life. I continue to look for a change but do not yet see this change. Strangely, and I say strangely because this has never happened before, I feel a sense of optimism. For a long period, I have known that I wanted freedom and choice. I stifled those desires due to lack of money to facilitate my freedom and choice. Instead, I tried to talk myself into wanting a paying job; any job that paid enough. As I pursued this path, I began to realize that I was not willing to "do" just anything and I became marginally selective in my pursuit. What I have experienced is a TOTAL lack of interest in me as an employee. Now, I do understand that this is due, in part, to my middle age, but with experience under my belt, the total lack of response is interesting. Also, I know that I would be an asset in many situations applied for but none of these opportunities truly interest me. Bottom line - I am not calling them forth into my experience.
So, I am mystified by my own optimism. Am I beginning to "let go" and allow the Universal Good to work in my life? I PRAY SO !!!!! I believe that the Universal God stands ready and eager to bring forth wonderful experience for each of us. I believe that what interferes is our own fear that this is not THE TRUTH. Because the fear interferes, we do not experience only desire which then strengthens the fear interference. A vicious cycle ensues. Extreme Trust is the only needed ingredient to break the vicious cycle. I am convinced that once broken and the gift of desire is experienced personally, all of life will be as God intended. This is the foundation of my optimism!!~
I am more motivated than ever to "let go". I am loosing my attachment to ego and believing more in the unseen. I pray that the vastness of the unseen is far more powerful that my minuscule ego, to which I have given incredible power. I ask! Thank you.
Peace to the world
I have not written since 7-7-08. During this time, much has occurred but nothing has happened. I have had many good to great experiences, all in the same frame work of a static life. I continue to look for a change but do not yet see this change. Strangely, and I say strangely because this has never happened before, I feel a sense of optimism. For a long period, I have known that I wanted freedom and choice. I stifled those desires due to lack of money to facilitate my freedom and choice. Instead, I tried to talk myself into wanting a paying job; any job that paid enough. As I pursued this path, I began to realize that I was not willing to "do" just anything and I became marginally selective in my pursuit. What I have experienced is a TOTAL lack of interest in me as an employee. Now, I do understand that this is due, in part, to my middle age, but with experience under my belt, the total lack of response is interesting. Also, I know that I would be an asset in many situations applied for but none of these opportunities truly interest me. Bottom line - I am not calling them forth into my experience.
So, I am mystified by my own optimism. Am I beginning to "let go" and allow the Universal Good to work in my life? I PRAY SO !!!!! I believe that the Universal God stands ready and eager to bring forth wonderful experience for each of us. I believe that what interferes is our own fear that this is not THE TRUTH. Because the fear interferes, we do not experience only desire which then strengthens the fear interference. A vicious cycle ensues. Extreme Trust is the only needed ingredient to break the vicious cycle. I am convinced that once broken and the gift of desire is experienced personally, all of life will be as God intended. This is the foundation of my optimism!!~
I am more motivated than ever to "let go". I am loosing my attachment to ego and believing more in the unseen. I pray that the vastness of the unseen is far more powerful that my minuscule ego, to which I have given incredible power. I ask! Thank you.
Peace to the world
Monday, July 7, 2008
GETTING MY HOUSE IN ORDER
Goodmorning,
The mold mitigation is complete and this morning, I am putting my house back in order. Yes, this is a physical reorder of my physical house but is it also a spiritual reorder? I am aware that I have collected junk, in this house, and this has been a wonderful opportunity to "clean house". During this process, I have thought often that I am opening the way for a new spiritual - life - experience. Yes, out with the old ... but what the new is to be, I am unsure. I have believed that I had "to know" in order to attract. That is what I have heard and studied. The fact that I do not know keeps me frustrated. I am now opening myself to allowing the Universe to show me what will be. It is OK either way but I just want to know which is the case. I am becoming, somewhat, OK with uncertainty and feel I could truly embrace this if I thought it was productive. By productive I mean fulfilling or intriguing. I am not clear what I mean, actually. I seem to be OK with whatever comes - whatever direction life presents. I have held that belief that I had to have clarity in order to attract. I am still not sure if I hold that belief.
For now, I am in a good spot and grateful that my "house is in order".
Peace to the world
The mold mitigation is complete and this morning, I am putting my house back in order. Yes, this is a physical reorder of my physical house but is it also a spiritual reorder? I am aware that I have collected junk, in this house, and this has been a wonderful opportunity to "clean house". During this process, I have thought often that I am opening the way for a new spiritual - life - experience. Yes, out with the old ... but what the new is to be, I am unsure. I have believed that I had "to know" in order to attract. That is what I have heard and studied. The fact that I do not know keeps me frustrated. I am now opening myself to allowing the Universe to show me what will be. It is OK either way but I just want to know which is the case. I am becoming, somewhat, OK with uncertainty and feel I could truly embrace this if I thought it was productive. By productive I mean fulfilling or intriguing. I am not clear what I mean, actually. I seem to be OK with whatever comes - whatever direction life presents. I have held that belief that I had to have clarity in order to attract. I am still not sure if I hold that belief.
For now, I am in a good spot and grateful that my "house is in order".
Peace to the world
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
ANOTHER DETOUR
Goodmorning,
In the last post, I wrote about a new job. Indeed, I did go to this job for three (3) days. Two (2) situations seemed in place. First, I was becoming ill with allergies and respiratory infection and the job itself was unsatisfying. The respiratory issue was due to mold growing in our kitchen. Recently, we had a pipe leak under our kitchen floor. This was repaired and we thought no more about this. As I grew more and more reactive to allergy, I began to suspect mold, my most sensitive allergy. Indeed, this morning, a crew has uncovered this mold and mitigation will begin.
The job fell directly in the middle of this mold reaction and, at the time, I believed myself to fragile to go back to work. I discontinued my employment based upon two factors. One, the thought that I was ill and secondly that this job would be unsatisfying regardless. What I believed to be a challenging pursuit of funding, on behalf of cancer patients, turned out to be no more than order taking. The position required me to be tethered to a telephone and breaks and lunch were " on the clock" to the minute. I am just to old and have to much experience to enjoy this rigid experience.
So, I am now in the process of mold mitigation and back to the drawing board as it relates to employment. I am relieved to believe that I am NOT to fragile, physically, to work and will continue to look for something that is satisfying.
Tolle encourages all to be OK with uncertainty. To understand that life is a journey and not a predictable trip. Conceptually I understand and agree. Experiencially, I have yet to make that connection. I challenge myself to be OK with whatever comes up but what feels lacking in that is desire. I will ponder this aspect. For today, I am OK, even good. Today is all we have.
Peace to the world
In the last post, I wrote about a new job. Indeed, I did go to this job for three (3) days. Two (2) situations seemed in place. First, I was becoming ill with allergies and respiratory infection and the job itself was unsatisfying. The respiratory issue was due to mold growing in our kitchen. Recently, we had a pipe leak under our kitchen floor. This was repaired and we thought no more about this. As I grew more and more reactive to allergy, I began to suspect mold, my most sensitive allergy. Indeed, this morning, a crew has uncovered this mold and mitigation will begin.
The job fell directly in the middle of this mold reaction and, at the time, I believed myself to fragile to go back to work. I discontinued my employment based upon two factors. One, the thought that I was ill and secondly that this job would be unsatisfying regardless. What I believed to be a challenging pursuit of funding, on behalf of cancer patients, turned out to be no more than order taking. The position required me to be tethered to a telephone and breaks and lunch were " on the clock" to the minute. I am just to old and have to much experience to enjoy this rigid experience.
So, I am now in the process of mold mitigation and back to the drawing board as it relates to employment. I am relieved to believe that I am NOT to fragile, physically, to work and will continue to look for something that is satisfying.
Tolle encourages all to be OK with uncertainty. To understand that life is a journey and not a predictable trip. Conceptually I understand and agree. Experiencially, I have yet to make that connection. I challenge myself to be OK with whatever comes up but what feels lacking in that is desire. I will ponder this aspect. For today, I am OK, even good. Today is all we have.
Peace to the world
Monday, May 12, 2008
LIFE TAKES A DETOUR
Goodmorning,
It is another "beginning" for my journey. Having found an ad in the 5-4-08 newspaper for a job fair, being held by one company, I attended. Within 45 minutes, a job offer was presented. Now for months, I had sent out resumes with no response and within 45 minutes an offer was extended. I will be working in the healthcare field securing funding for RX for patients. This is a good fit for me.
I have mixed emotions about this detour. I worry that I will not be up to the task physically but I feel good. On the other side, I am bored and will enjoy the stimulation. I have committed myself to a positive attitude and will also monitor myself for signs of over work and resulting fatigue. There is anxiety present - but not necessarily 'bad' anxiety. It is difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and 'bad' anxiety - perhaps there is both.
I am not sure what this leg of my journey is for. The financial rewards will be nice but there is more to this for me. I will be working for the first time, with no other responsibilities ( ie Children). I do not have to give up much, at all, to move into this, so it will be a new experience. Lunch with friends will be limited, but that is OK. Naps, in the afternoon, might become an issue that I will have to consider. Perhaps I napped in boredom - perhaps in physical need. We will see.
I shall look at this as a new and wonderful adventure. I will meet new people and learn more of what makes us tick.
Peace to the world
It is another "beginning" for my journey. Having found an ad in the 5-4-08 newspaper for a job fair, being held by one company, I attended. Within 45 minutes, a job offer was presented. Now for months, I had sent out resumes with no response and within 45 minutes an offer was extended. I will be working in the healthcare field securing funding for RX for patients. This is a good fit for me.
I have mixed emotions about this detour. I worry that I will not be up to the task physically but I feel good. On the other side, I am bored and will enjoy the stimulation. I have committed myself to a positive attitude and will also monitor myself for signs of over work and resulting fatigue. There is anxiety present - but not necessarily 'bad' anxiety. It is difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and 'bad' anxiety - perhaps there is both.
I am not sure what this leg of my journey is for. The financial rewards will be nice but there is more to this for me. I will be working for the first time, with no other responsibilities ( ie Children). I do not have to give up much, at all, to move into this, so it will be a new experience. Lunch with friends will be limited, but that is OK. Naps, in the afternoon, might become an issue that I will have to consider. Perhaps I napped in boredom - perhaps in physical need. We will see.
I shall look at this as a new and wonderful adventure. I will meet new people and learn more of what makes us tick.
Peace to the world
Friday, May 2, 2008
UNDERSTANDING
Good morning,
Today, I AM understanding in some etheral way. Strange, I do not even really understand what I AM understanding. I seem to have thoughts that feel vague - just barely out of my mental reach. Perhaps, i am trying to understand when it is experience that calls to me. I AM allowing this process - whatever it is.
PEACE to the world
Today, I AM understanding in some etheral way. Strange, I do not even really understand what I AM understanding. I seem to have thoughts that feel vague - just barely out of my mental reach. Perhaps, i am trying to understand when it is experience that calls to me. I AM allowing this process - whatever it is.
PEACE to the world
Monday, April 21, 2008
TO LATE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP
Good morning God,
My thoughts over take me - ego. What I think actually causes what i experience. How very strange that we have forgotten this most central tool. In our sleep, we believe ourselves to be completely separate from the force that moves mountains; believing instead that an outside force makes the decisions of the world - to which, we can only respond!
So, what if we DO actually create our experiences first and then respond to them. Let me break this down. First, i project experience into the world for me TO experience. Then, i experience same. When i experience that which i have projected, i believe the experience to have been generated by some other. How is this even possible? How can i forget the projecting aspect of experience? As i experience moment by moment, how am i able to convince myself that i have no ownership in the creation/projection? What comes to mind immediately is that i often do not like or agree with what is before me. Actually, i never even stop to think if this is what I would choose in this moment because i do not understand my contribution. As i sleep, i do not believe that my evaluation would cause anything to be different - that experiences are just happening and my only power is how to respond to them. What feels strange about this is that i am awakening to the possibility that no ONE else causes my experiences but i seem stuck with old thoughts. Almost like I cannot break through the veil of sleep. I observe myself ( thoughts ) all over the place - this one contradicting that one. For example, i have wanted to win a lottery BUT i have not wanted to be known to have won. i have really wanted something else than a win but do not know what that is. The only way i can describe this is that i desire choice. Having equated choice with money, i think i want money. i am completely sure that money by itself is not the desire. The desire is the freedom that i believe money IS.
In my limited awareness, i have not challenged my mind. i have not thought "outside the box". How can i have enough food, without working? How can i buy spring flowers, without money? How do i fuel the car, without money? You see, i have fallen victim to myself. i have believed what i have projected - so much so that i am lost. i no longer enjoy ego revenge and ravage nor do i enjoy or feel protected by hiding. I am what I AM. I no longer seek to be hidden among those who would destroy me as i project them as the cause for my insanity. Jesus teaches in ACIM that we see one another as the cause of who we are. Surely, i have blamed as many people as i can for who i have become. And who is that? That is one who is angry at the world at large and feels that "it" ( world) has done me wrong. Hidding under that is the ego anger that god made a fool of us all. I cannot believe this any longer. I know to much now to go back to sleep. THANK GOD. If life had been as i thought - well i do not want to go there.
I know that I can remember. What will that be? What will truth look like? What does LOVE feel like? I TRUST that Christ is in me. I TRUST that Jesus teaches us all. What shall happen NOW? I just do not know
My thoughts over take me - ego. What I think actually causes what i experience. How very strange that we have forgotten this most central tool. In our sleep, we believe ourselves to be completely separate from the force that moves mountains; believing instead that an outside force makes the decisions of the world - to which, we can only respond!
So, what if we DO actually create our experiences first and then respond to them. Let me break this down. First, i project experience into the world for me TO experience. Then, i experience same. When i experience that which i have projected, i believe the experience to have been generated by some other. How is this even possible? How can i forget the projecting aspect of experience? As i experience moment by moment, how am i able to convince myself that i have no ownership in the creation/projection? What comes to mind immediately is that i often do not like or agree with what is before me. Actually, i never even stop to think if this is what I would choose in this moment because i do not understand my contribution. As i sleep, i do not believe that my evaluation would cause anything to be different - that experiences are just happening and my only power is how to respond to them. What feels strange about this is that i am awakening to the possibility that no ONE else causes my experiences but i seem stuck with old thoughts. Almost like I cannot break through the veil of sleep. I observe myself ( thoughts ) all over the place - this one contradicting that one. For example, i have wanted to win a lottery BUT i have not wanted to be known to have won. i have really wanted something else than a win but do not know what that is. The only way i can describe this is that i desire choice. Having equated choice with money, i think i want money. i am completely sure that money by itself is not the desire. The desire is the freedom that i believe money IS.
In my limited awareness, i have not challenged my mind. i have not thought "outside the box". How can i have enough food, without working? How can i buy spring flowers, without money? How do i fuel the car, without money? You see, i have fallen victim to myself. i have believed what i have projected - so much so that i am lost. i no longer enjoy ego revenge and ravage nor do i enjoy or feel protected by hiding. I am what I AM. I no longer seek to be hidden among those who would destroy me as i project them as the cause for my insanity. Jesus teaches in ACIM that we see one another as the cause of who we are. Surely, i have blamed as many people as i can for who i have become. And who is that? That is one who is angry at the world at large and feels that "it" ( world) has done me wrong. Hidding under that is the ego anger that god made a fool of us all. I cannot believe this any longer. I know to much now to go back to sleep. THANK GOD. If life had been as i thought - well i do not want to go there.
I know that I can remember. What will that be? What will truth look like? What does LOVE feel like? I TRUST that Christ is in me. I TRUST that Jesus teaches us all. What shall happen NOW? I just do not know
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